The most important feeling for me even more than any love. Please don’t hate me just read you will figure it out why even more important than love. I don’t remember the exact time when I first experienced the true pain and by true pain something which really made a crack in my heart. I think it was my 5th class and yes I remember that time even my friends and family know how poor I’m in remembering the things but I always remember the things or moments which made me go or help me to see life with some other perspective.
So it was 5th class, I got a big zero yeah! Big zero *being dramatic* in my mathematics test, most probably it was my first zero and god at that time I felt the real or true pain. I was just a kid with some nerdy mind and that was so painful that I still remember the crack pain. I know some of you find it funny but it is what it is. It was the first failure of my life and at that time I made a promise that next time I’ll score full. So I really studied hard and I wasn’t even good with logical approach at that time but hey! Hard work can do wonders and guess what I scored that time?
Nah! Not full I scored 43/50, though the promise was not achieved but I was damn happy. And I started growing up and I still remember my first ever crush, he was so cute. I still remember I used to go for drinking breaks just to see him.
And one day he approached me and you know that *butterflies in stomach* kinda feeling yeah that was something like that but this story has something more to say. He approached me but he asked me if I could help him to set him up with my best friend.
*2 minutes silence* I was shocked and it hurt so bad. That was my 2nd painful event, oh god! That was something so baaaaad. But after all, it was for my best friend so I can’t be jealous ( I was jealous though lol ). But I said okay and passed the msg to my best friend and obviously, she knew about my crush over him. And he was some guy you know that anyone can fall for him but she said No! And I told her that she doesn’t need to if she is interested you know. But she told me something which I can’t forget and I quote “ I doubt his taste, how can someone choose me over you”. I know she was just making anything to make me feel good. But that day I realised that no matter what friendship is friendship and it’s the greatest gift and I cherish this friendship more than anything.
So the third time I felt the pain was probably the worst event so far, and I’m so drowning in emotions right now. It was the time I was in 9th standard and my friend passed away after being in a coma for some days. It was so painful to see him go and the most painful part was to accept that. I’m not gonna write on this much as my emotions won’t let me but he was the purest soul I’ve ever met in my life. That day I realised the value of life, the value of time, that we don’t have much time and the time we have is just uncertain. You just don’t know what can happen next. Losing him was so hard that for months I remembered I used to read our old chats over and over, hoping that this is all a lie and he will come back. But I was wrong.
From that day I never took my life or others for granted.
Moving forward is life, so I moved forward in life to the next grade to next and life was smooth for some years. I made friends and enjoyed the school life. Well meanwhile I had some ups and downs, some huge well but you know some things we can’t say out loud. And we are allowed to keep things.
Remember the 5th grade where I felt my first pain because of mathematics, turned out it was the turning point too. I was a huge fan of mathematics and was really eager to start my academics with mathematics Hons. but destiny had some different plans so it was my fourth pain when I wasn’t selected for my dream college and the thing I was really hoping for.
Hope is such a strange feeling you know it drives you and it motivates you too but when you see losing it hurts like a knife penetrating your heart. I was freshly graduated from school and I was in my prime age and at that time you just want to change your life and you have your goals and all. But life isn’t fair after all. It doesn’t always work according to us. And that day I realised you should always have a backup plan and it’s a good thing to have because it helps you to not fall down. At that, I didn’t have any backup plan and it struck me so hard. And I wish if I had some backup plan that time I won’t be that sad.
As I said earlier too moving forward is life. Years passed. I got over that and continued living not in my dream college but I found someplace which I can call somewhat like my dream. Now I look back I don’t regret the loss but happy that destiny changed my path and I encountered some beautiful people in this journey.
Trust the process. It is not always an end but sometimes a beautiful start.
So the pain which made me confident and made me strong and when I realised how important it is to love yourself and that in the end only you gonna be with you only. That’s how important it is to not doubt yourself and make yourself a priority. The lesson that you don’t need validation and you can let the world go if you feel right being alone.
I think you guessed it by now as what else can happen with a girl in her early 20’s. We all experienced it yes! A heartbreak, we all can relate. At that time it seemed like the end of the world and at that time you feel like why it’s happening to you and obviously, you’re not a kid anymore, you are stepping into adulthood and now you have only a few good friends left. It’s a real thing, over time your circle starts getting small. The first heartbreak is something you don’t forget and you regret even falling for someone.
For closure you do stupid things well I did and you find comfort. Your friends always try to cheer you up, even you wanna get up and change those sweats which you are into for weeks now. But at that time you just wanna stay away from anyone and you spend all day by watching some stupid rom-com. But time heals everything. You get up on some odd morning and you realise what the hell I’m doing and you feel the cringe in that. Because now you got over that thing and now you regret the time you took to get over that. But I feel like it’s a lesson through that pain.
There’s nothing to regret, you learned that no matter how much deep you feel the pain with time it starts healing and you move forward.
And now it’s been many years and believe me I only remember the good times. Sometimes things don’t work like we want and that’s completely fine, just respect the good times and when it ends, move on and be happy. And you should never blame others to get over. We all are living this life on our own terms. And blaming others for your pain is just an excuse. Just respect the time you share with others and appreciate those moments.
So now you know why I mentioned, in the beginning, I like the pain more than anything because these experiences with pain helped me to grow. And now I look back. All those setbacks helped me to understand my life a little better. And I’m ready for other experiences too. Just getting stronger and stronger with time because of this pain.
We all have our pains and we can’t level them. Pain is just a feeling we get and it could be from anything. Our pains; Some we share and some we don’t. But we always learn from them and we know we can’t run from this. It’s life. Uncertain and beautiful.
“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain. – Bob Dylan”
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