He said, “you are so pretty.” There must be so many guys falling for you every day. He gave me compliments that were not in my league to even comprehend. There were days I used to see myself through the male gaze, but I failed. I didn’t tell in love but instead, I fell into a deep dark phase of insecurities. There were men, who continued to tell me so. As, if they didn’t actually believe it and deep down they knew even I didn’t have faith in myself.
The insecurities grew and so did the distance between us. It is so fucking scary to even think that the only thing attractive about me is the flesh, the body. I mean, there’s so much more to me, but at the same time, I doubt it all. The skin will fit away, the beauty has no standards in my eye but he has it all.
He has a checklist where I tick all the boxes, but is it worth it? What about the smile, the opinions, the hidden cry for help? What about it all? What do we name it? Beauty… I don’t think so. As he fails to see it all. The body stands like a wall between the love that I adore with all my heart. Why is it that my stammered voice fails to reach his ears? Why is it that my sigh is left unnoticed? Which is it that the body lying dead in the night seems more tempting than the live soul in daylight?
Maybe, some days I like to believe I am beautiful. But, am I really? These questions haunt me, make me cry all night and some days it just leaves a smile on that very lips that the world adores but never sees. He never says that I love your mind, your thoughts. Maybe, just maybe, one true sentence would make an actual difference. Maybe, it would give me the solace, the happiness for a few seconds even if it doesn’t sound good. Just, maybe, one day I will be more than just flesh.
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