Nikhil Thakur | May 2, 2021 | 0
Lockdown and Self-Acceptance
The only thing which can ever truly destroy a dream is to have it come true. The destination, often, is a myth and more of a mirage whose idea looks beautiful and utopian. In reality, the dream or the destination might be a lonely and gloomy place to stay. It’s the journey; the process which engrains wisdom and adventures. The lockdown started on 22nd March and so I decided to self-sabotage myself emotionally and mentally so that nobody and no place can. The pain had been the universal constant in everyone’s life and, so the only thing which we can take the charge of is – The choosing of pain which we want. The one which life would give us or the one which we create for ourselves. Try it out, I am not even lying. Pain is inevitable and will be the Universal Constant. Quoting Peter Baelish a.k.a. The little finger from Game of Thrones— “it does not matter what we want; once we have it, we want something else.”
I decided to stay back and self-destroy myself in a very euphemistic and self-validated way. It was all about perspectives and the real test of who people actually are and what do they really want. More than what they wanted; was the question that how much are they willing to give in for a world without the outer physical connection and no parties, hangouts, externally validating booze bottles, smoke gardens, etc.? Giving a transient halt to my narcissism, I will continue as to how it went.
Day 1. Task 1. Eat your fucking food, and before that, cook it. The shops happen to be opened for a short span of 7-10 a.m. Bang Bang!! Get up early, get your groceries, and get baffled as to how to make the round chapatis and lentils. Oh boy!!! It’s not yet over. More than the food, I had to really distract myself from the fact that it’s a global pandemic and schools, colleges and even the whole nation has taken a break and you are alone with no prepared food and apparently with a brain which over thinks quite often; yet the least cared and healed. I am not going to tell you how pretentious I was being; when I not just used to sit on the terrace every day for the sunset, but posted a picture of sunsets every evening to validate myself; to underscore my self-proclaimed prowess and apparently zero talent in just gazing the sunset at the right time when it actually looked enthralling. Ask me today–It was all an external and internal validation of how alone I am and how much one could try to fit in.
I was never hungry and I never went sick and I hardly cared about my physique and uploading the home gym videos like a rat race. I would not lie, but it was such a turbulent experience and a journey to dig myself out. A journey to exhume my inner child, the evolving one who became a stagnant part of what we call as growing up and to understand the whys and whats.
These were the days when I was actually not being myself and was contending for a rat race of productivity, time utilization, and digressing myself from what eats us up. I have still not reached the destination to dig out what people call happiness. It is a myth. It is a façade veiled by the schizophrenic society. This continued to happen until the first month where I learned cooking, writing blogs, a critic of the left-wing or the right-wing. I was the expert of everything, yet the master of nothing. Something against my authenticity. I had an incessant restless feeling of being euphoric in the trifle incidents to being sad in knees and toes that I would just lie down having existential thoughts. I felt the most accountable and responsible son to a feeling of sudden insignificance in moments. It was a swift drift of thoughts throughout. All throughout, I started to believe in destiny, and it’s actually not what we do to ourselves, but in fact what we don’t do to ourselves and eventually, the universe conspires us to form what we want for ourselves.
Days went by and let’s call it 40th day of the lockdown when my Grandfather passed away and I did not grief or had any sorrow I suppose. Too nihilist, cynic, skeptical, blunt, and apathetic of me, right? But, this was what it is. I had no feelings and I was just silent and was continuously thinking about my mother, who was so attached to her father and then about myself. I could not break down at any cost, because that would have broken the chain of my survival. I chose this to live; for myself and to enjoy the adversities thrown to a man as an adventure and I could not break down. I had an insane feeling that everything is going to be all right and the one who had to depart have already departed and I am left with my mother and myself. We used to have conversations where is used to let her cry for hours, recalling memories of her father and my grandfather. Just listening to her used to make me feel so accountable that the phase can be called ‘The pursuit of accountability’.
Days went by and I became more grateful for what I had and eventually, everything was okay and I felt a little more responsible for having a clairvoyant image of this day. One thing was very common that the acceptance of any uncertainty made me a certain person. I do not feel entitled today, yet so balanced that I feel virtues, vulnerability and adversities shall be chosen by none other than you; so they not own you. Kill yourself, but save the last breath for tomorrow. I hope for no tomorrow because there might not be any. Do every possible worse and harsh things to yourself, so that you are always comfortable having those adversities, for they are gifted to you, by you only.
I am still a student and I guess I will forever be one. The student of reality, adversities, perspective, life, death, gratitude, selflessness, kindness, peace, chaos, myths, facts, imperfections, destitute, Government, existential crisis, individuality, empathy, children, mind, evolution, stars, moon, mountains, religion, hope, ego, and people. In all these terms, I would remove my name because I am not a unique snowflake or the precise diamond, and I am the same organic decaying matter as everyone else is. Everything I can own is perishable. I have started to take all the possible assumptions that we are not special. There is a story, a thing which speaks for itself when you go out and watch the orchids, butterflies, dogs, vendors, elders, wrinkles, autumn— all irrelevant, yet have some story to tell, to remind us of our insignificance. We all are of the same matter and we are all the same as rather different. There is always a slight difference in every human I meet. Yet, that slight difference creates emotion and emotions create actions and they create worthiness or unworthiness, which is the basic tool to segregate humans.
Coming to what I started with. It is a journey. It will always be one. Nothing needs to be changed. Everything, every person is doing their bit and I can do mine. I can start with mine, to be precise. Charity, Hustle, Opinion, Empathy, and emotions. It all starts with me and then my family, my clan. That is how existence is created. An emotionally and reasonably pushed rather than based on cost vectors. It has nothing to do with the Government, Society, and not even your parents. You have been wrong about everything. You will always be. You can never be your true self. Just like every beautiful thing, it is a myth and a beautiful illusion to be called as being thyself. There is the only authenticity, which varies and we humans need to accept it. The most meaningful relationships are non-transactional in nature and there is no bargain trade-off in that. You just have to be authentic to yourself and never forget how small, yet how expandable you are that; this expansion will traverse through the journey and it is all about the journey. No success, no failures, just experiences. Do not forget to choose your own. The lockdown made me accept my own self a bit more and more and more and more. Adios Amigo.
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